Katy Hahn

Today I’m struggling with having people in my personal space who are causing changes in my environment. I like to think that I’m a really easy and go-with-the-flow person, and I guess I have my moments where I am. I have moods where I’m super joyful and present, and most things that happen during those times seem like no big deal. Things are easy and breezy. So when I paint a picture of myself, that’s the version I like to paint…

The Honest Truth – I Can be “Particular”

If I’m honest though, sometimes I’m a different version of me – the “particular” one. I’m getting to know that side more and more lately. After years of living by myself, a family member recently moved into my house. The amount of teensy minor occurrences I’m encountering that trigger frustration within me has been astounding. Look, I appreciate that my new housemate unloaded the clean dishes from the dishwasher. Yeah, I really appreciate that there are clean forks and spoons. I appreciate that the forks and spoons were placed in the correct sections of the silverware divider in the drawer. That’s all lovely.

What feels inconceivable and deeply offensive to every fiber of my being is when I reach for a spoon to stir my coffee with in the morning and find the state of the spoon section to be in disarray. The spoons aren’t in the neat little stack I tend to keep them in, tidy and orderly for me to grab with ease and convenience. Instead, they’ve been kerplunked into their little cubby with reckless abandon, looking like a series of tiny tornados breezed through and left destruction and chaos in their wake. Like the dishes were unloaded by a sociopath…

Okay… I’m being very dramatic. It was just a slightly disorderly jumble of spoons…

Nonetheless, the first time I saw this, a silent visceral rage flooded through my body. In that moment, I could’ve killed. (Okay, drama again.) Desperate to relieve my immense and unbearable suffering, I quickly tidied up the sections, returning them to an acceptable state so that I felt like I could breathe again. But as I walked away from that immaculately organized drawer towards my fresh steaming cup of coffee – the remnants of rage still sizzling in my chest – I felt like a monster.

Why is a Change of Environment So Hard?

What is wrong with me? Not one single aspect of a person’s day (or life?) could be changed by the state of the silverware in that drawer… Right? This thoughtful loved one took it upon themselves to contribute to the household chores, and in a perfectly reasonable manner. They wanted to help… Is my reaction to this non-issue a side effect of living alone for several years and being used to seeing every drawer look exactly the same for so long, or is this a symptom of something sinister lurking deep within my psyche, asking – nay, screaming – to be uncovered?

Why am I so repulsed by a disorderly drawer? Are there not disorderly drawers in every nook and cranny inside my squiggly lined jumble of a brain? I describe my brain that way with love – I love how I think. I love that I have webs of thoughts and ideas cascading out in a million directions all the time – to me, it’s a jungle gym of delight in there. Well…mostly.

Admittedly, it does feel disorganized and a little wild in there sometimes. It can be hard for me to stay on track with one idea for long, and there are times that I’m overwhelmed by the sheer chaos of my own thoughts, interesting as they might be. Sometimes, I really don’t have a ton of control over how many ideas my brain takes upon itself to explore, analyze, and compare. I’m just along for the ride, and it can sometimes be exhausting.

It’s Me, Hi, I’m the “Problem”

That being said, I think I know what’s going on with my spoon fiasco – well, I know the version of explanation I’m willing to accept today. There’s several explanations that would be valid. Today’s? It’s not about cleanliness or aesthetics. It’s just such an unbridled wilderness inside of my brain that any one tiny thing outside of it, whether that be in the form of an actual to-do list item or simply a difference in my environment to process, is jarring.

It adds to my mental to-do list, and I do not need more things on that list, especially not ones that are not exciting or interesting to me, competing with the ones that are. Any extra little passing thought at an inopportune time can feel like a chore because it makes it more challenging to weather the storm taking place in my head. Outside of my head, in my home environment which I design to be my place of peace and sanctuary…I kind of just want things to be the same.

Is that so wrong?

Gratitude Helps

Maybe it’s not wrong… But I recognize that it’s not super conducive to living harmoniously with other people. Truthfully, I recognize that the very fact that I have a house, with a drawer, with a silverware organizer in it, let alone a loved one that I care for enough to let stay in my home, means I have won several lotteries in life. I’m grateful for that.

Gratitude is always the answer.

I will remind myself one moment at a time to put things in perspective, to practice gratitude for the fact that I have a fresh cup of coffee to need a spoon to stir at all, and to try my best to accept a little disorderliness here and there. It’s only life, after all.