Katy Hahn
Look, I know I have it in me to be a good writer – but whew, even finishing this very sentence has been an uphill battle of epic proportions. Despite sitting at a desk with it right under my nose for around 20 minutes, I can’t stay focused on the sentence for more than 6 seconds at a time. I certainly tried, but…
There are Rabbit Holes Everywhere
Oh, this would be better with music, I think to myself as I open up my music library and fall down a cascade of rabbit holes starting with saving that new album I see pop up that I want to listen to later. Ooo, I should make a new to-listen-to type playlist as a reminder to check out more new music, I think, and I spend a few minutes creating the list and adding various albums to it. Deep in my subconscious, I choose not to acknowledge the fact that I will completely forget this playlist ever existed in less than 10 seconds.
Then, I remember that fun soundtrack from the movie I saw the other night with my brother for his birthday. What a fun night. I think fondly on that time, and then I find myself wishing I had a hottie on my arm to go to on movie dates with now and then. Off to a dating app, I go. I dive headfirst into that next rabbit hole, swiping through several profiles until I realize that my heart isn’t really in it. I’m just mindlessly swiping, and no good can come from that for anyone.
The trusty ol’ emotional spender in me chimes in, eager to help me regulate these feelings of longing – don’t forget you have that HomeGoods gift card you could go spend. Some new stuff for your kitchen can’t keep you warm at night, but it did just change the subject! This unwelcome interjection brings me full circle back to the tool I use to make money to fund that sort of thinking – the laptop sitting in front of me with that open word document on it. Oh right, now back to that sentence...
My Challenges in School
Sometimes, I feel like completing any particular task is an marathon filled with so many tiny obstacles that by the time I get through them all, I don’t have the energy I need to cross the finish line at the end. That is, if I can even remember what or where the finish line is. This is not a new or novel problem, and I know I’m not alone.
Like many others, I’ve always considered myself to be a smart and capable lady, but I spent my formative years lost in my own head, doodling on the margins of my papers in class and blocking out the sound of the teacher’s voice for large spans of time. I found it difficult to keep track of assignments, often forgetting to complete or turn in homework until days after the due date if I even turned it in at all. While I’m no longer in school, the same problems can rear their ugly heads in my life today.
For most of my life, I attributed this to my own character flaws as a person, believing I was inherently lazy and irresponsible, and at times even flat out believing I was unintelligent or worth less than the people who were able to accomplish all of the things I couldn’t seem to.
Identifying with ADHD
It’s only in the last couple of years that I realized that what I’ve for so long penalized and bullied myself for as a defect of character is actually just the way my brain functions. It’s a way of functioning labelled as Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by attention difficulty, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity. It impacts approximately 5%-8% of people in the world, although it’s estimated that only 20% of people with the disorder are aware they have it at all.
I’m not big on the label itself, but it did help me to understand myself better and to stop judging myself harshly. That understanding helped me to shift away from seeing myself as inherently flawed and instead towards seeing myself as just a person with a particular type of brain functioning.
While I understand quite intimately why this way of functioning is labelled as “disorder”, as a passionate practician of radical self-acceptance, I do resent the connotation the categorization carries. This is because it threatens to kindle within me a more negative view of me than I have of myself. I’m weary any time an institution’s stance on my identity challenges my own self-concept.
Self-Acceptance
Truthfully, I’ve spent years trying to battle my brain into submission to conquer this way of functioning, thinking that by doing so I would find the keys to my success, but it’s been to no avail. Now, I’ve decided that denying myself isn’t the answer. Maybe the answer isn’t in fighting who I am and trying to control the sea of thoughts and impulses that are continuously flooding in, but instead, the key is to surrender and learn to ride the waves. To learn to love and embrace the way that my mind works. To find the things that those traits make me good at instead of focusing on the inadequacies I can find when I compare myself to how other people operate. “ADHD” doesn’t define me, but the traits attributed to it are an undeniable part of my chemistry and how I move through the world.
If you, too, count yourself among the “disordered” of our society in some way, or you are just someone interested in becoming more in sync and in love with yourself and your unique natural rhythm, join me on my journey. If we’re lucky (and we are), I believe we can learn to dance along with it.
My Blogging Goal
That’s what my goal is – to dance with this perfectly wild mind of mine and let it have its way with me, taking me wherever it may, freely and without judgement of myself. That part is a work in progress. I hope kaleidobunny will grow to serve as a beacon to myself and others demonstrating the joy and wonders that authentic acceptance and expression of the self can achieve.
I can’t promise any answers, or really anything at all, but what I can promise is—hey, did you just see a rabbit run by? He went into that other hole over there! QUICK, FOLLOW THE RABBIT!
